Until I See You Again (In the States)

As I’ve seen the lives of the orphans now, I’ve put that into a God-perspective and I understand more of what it means to be an adopted child of God. He wanted to choose me as His daughter, just like I want to choose so many of the orphans to be mine, only He wanted me much more than I could ever want any of the children at the orphanage. The paperwork for my adoption was already finalized and signed (by Christ) long before I was even born! What an amazing Father we have! How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! (1 John 3:1)

I am so glad that the eight members of my team were overflowing with the Spirit of God so that each child we came in contact with could experience His love. It’s the love that sent Christ to the earth, the love that led Him to the cross where He suffered and died for every sin, the love that opened the only gate to Heaven, and the love that saves all those who believe in His name.

FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE HIS ONE AND ONLY SON, THAT WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHALL NOT PERISH BUT HAVE ETERNAL LIFE.
John 3:16

In the two and a half years of my Christian life, God has never tugged at my heart the way He did in China. Both the compassion and pain that I felt for all the children was Him. He surprised me by appearing in places I didn’t think He’d be. I went with full intentions of ministering to the children and showing them God’s love. I wasn’t expecting that God would show up in the kids and use them to minister to me. Also, it’s usually only after a time of reflection that I’m able to recognize God working. But I was aware of Him moving right in the moment on this trip. He completely broke my heart for the children – His children! This trip really was a gift from Him, one of the most incredible gifts I've ever received! I view it, not as a one-time mission, but as an eternal adventure that I’m continuing to live each day.

Though I’m back in the States now, my heart is still at the orphanage. And it’s hard to leave your heart in a country that is over 6000 miles away. This pain of separation that I've experienced is unlike any other pain I've felt before. I miss the children terribly! It's been very difficult to sit here and not be able to hold them like I find myself wanting to do so much. But I know I have to cling to the promise in Romans 8:28. The Lord works all things for good! I don’t know how, but that’s what He does! Even the kids were singing that!

I hope that one day God will allow me to see them again. Until then, I will continue to think of them and pray for them daily. It will be hard not to. And now, more than ever, I long to seek out His will for my life, to find out if He is leading me back there to work for a long-term mission.

I surely do!

Although I'm not with my team anymore and we’re all spread out across the country, I still feel their love and support in a powerful way. They’re still making me laugh, and when I find myself questioning God’s ways about the children’s lives, they bring me back to His Word and allow me to search for Him once more. Even if I never see any of them again, I know that for at least 10 days of our lives, we were all called together by God to be His hands and feet, and love on the orphans!

Thank God there are no goodbyes in Christ!

Here's the poem I wrote while traveling around Beijing on our last day:


RECKLESS LOVE

I saw the face of God
In an orphan child today.
I couldn't speak his language,
But I loved him anyway.

It's a love that crosses cultures,
And can break down any wall.
It brought me here to China
When the Lord gave me His call.

I held this child in my arms;
He wouldn't let me go.
I looked into His brown eyes,
And my heart began to grow.

And then another orphan
Came right up to my side.
She was searching for the comfort
To dry the tears she'd cried.

I held her hand and smiled,
And gently stroked her face.
I prayed she'd find His love,
And fall into His warm embrace.

If it was in my Father's will,
I'd take these kids with me.
I'd bring them to His loving arms
For all eternity.

I want them as my children,
But God has a different plan,
A plan to make them prosper,
Though I cannot understand.

No one knows the paths they'll take,
Or where their lives will turn,
But we still offer them His hope
And love which they can't earn.

For life comes down to just one thing:
To know our Lord above.
We lift our hands and give our hearts,
And share His precious love.

We're called to be His servants.
We're called to be His hands,
To bring them closer to His heart,
And to the Promised Land.

There always will be pieces
Of my broken heart left here.
These priceless gifts in China
Will remain forever near.

One More Day (Last Day In China)

Our day back in Beijing was full of more shopping and touring. My mind was still on the children and I remember wishing I was back at the orphanage, holding them and comforting them. And I thought to myself that I didn’t want the gifts I bought. Instead, I wanted to bring all those kids home with me and provide them with the family they have been craving for so long. I wanted to trade everything I got, even just for one child. Throughout the day, I just couldn’t help but think of all the kids. Every time we got back on our bus, I pulled out a pen and paper and wrote a little part of a poem. I thought it would be a good distraction to make my brain think of rhyming words instead of focusing on how much I missed them. It didn't work too well. But despite all the sadness, I still enjoyed seeing all the fun sites we visited.

Early in the morning, we went to the Temple of Heaven and saw many of the local people doing their daily exercises around the park. Some of us even joined them in playing the games.

Bob and Pat just wanted to look at the paddles, and they got an invitation to play a little.

John was a pro and caught all the rings on his neck! Way to go!

Dancing in the Temple of Heaven? Okay!

We are connected at the neck (by the ring).
P.S. Yea for the Olympic rings!

After our time there, we drove about two hours to see a section of the Great Wall. Melissa and I climbed to the top and gave our legs a workout. We had great conversations on the way up and counted all 1615 uneven steps on the way down. It was awesome! Exercise really does relieve your sad mood! We should all thank God for giving us endorphins!

Made in China... ha ha!

It was tiring, but we enjoyed it!

On our way back, we stopped at the Jade and Pearl Factory. Both places were beautiful! I’ve always loved jade, but never was a huge fan of pearls… until I saw them in China, that is. Now, I love them! The white pearl means purity, the purple pearl means romance and the pink pearl means happiness. I forgot what the black pearl means. And I wonder what the blue pearl would mean if they had one. :-) Afterward, we finished shopping at the Pearl Market and then headed to an acrobatic show that evening.

Our last dinner in China was McDonalds, but it was fine because we could have either gone to nice restaurant or completed the night with a team time. I certainly preferred the second choice… and that’s what we did. We had our last devotion – a time to debrief and share more of what God had been doing with each of us on the trip.

The next morning at breakfast was our last time together. Sad times, I know. It was NOT fun at all! It’s never been easy for me to say goodbye, especially when I am attached to certain people or places (just in case you didn't know). And within three days I had to leave the children, my team and China – pretty much NO BUENO! I was glad to have gone back to the States with half the team, but it would have been nice if we all just... hmmm... maybe... I don't know... stayed there in China?!?!

This family of one, united by heart
God had this planned right from the start

Love and Company (Back to Beijing)

From the time we left the children, I felt incomplete because I knew I left my heart behind with them. But although it was very difficult to be without them, I was still with my team and knew it wouldn’t be long before we all had to say goodbye to each other too. So knowing that I had two days left in China, I wanted to make the most of my time there. There were many sad moments still, but I found peace and comfort in Christ with the help of everyone's company.

The day after we left the orphanage, we traveled back to Beijing. But before we left Fushun, Mr. Shao and Mrs. Zhu took us shopping and out for a dumpling meal. That was to signify that we are their family now. When we were eating, Mrs. Zhu told us that after we left, the kids cried a lot that night. But she said that they were in school that morning and it was a good distraction to their sadness.

The busy streets of Fushun! I love it here!

Shopping!

Zai jian (goodbye), Mr. Shao and Mrs. Zhu!

We love you!

On the ride back to Shenyang, I kept thinking about how much I wanted to live there in China because it just feels like I belong there. Many people may think it’s a crazy idea, but it’s something I am praying about. And as I’m seeking out God’s will, it makes me feel a lot better to focus on returning.

When we reached the airport, I was hoping that something would go wrong with our passports and for some reason, we would all just have to stay there. Or I thought maybe I could “accidentally” get left behind. Yeah, my crazy thoughts again! Anything to stay, right? But we all said goodbye to our favorite guide, Maggie, and headed back to Beijing.

The name Maggie means "pearl." That's what she is!

Bob, Pat, Allison and Phil McCracken at the airport! :-)

Back in our Beijing hotel on our rock beds, we rested and spent some time together. Since I don’t like being alone, especially at a time like that, I can’t explain how great it was to be around so many people I love. (And by so many people, I mean seven.) One of the things I absolutely love about traveling is just hanging out in hotel rooms at night, talking about whatever! And that evening we had more cookies and chocolate to make us feel happier, and laughed hysterically about the wonderful toilets and Chinese firecrackers! Ha ha!

Here's the clown I was hoping to see in Fushun! Yea, John!

A Painful Goodbye (Day Four)

The last day at the orphanage – the day I dreaded most and hoped would never come. But it arrived, entirely uninvited. I was a little slower getting out of bed that morning because I was not looking forward to what the day was going to bring. I didn’t just jump out and thank God for letting me wake up in China, like I had the previous mornings. I just wasn’t in that big of a hurry to say goodbye to the kids. I wanted God to extend our trip for a couple days… or perhaps a couple years. My thoughts were just a little unreasonable. I tried not to worry about everything because I wanted to just enjoy the day without the sadness. But at that morning’s devotion, despite my effort to make my mind slip away into some fantasy world, I couldn’t escape the anticipated pain we were all about to go through, and I just broke down. I loved being surrounded by my team, though. We were all there to support each other, experiencing the brokenness of God together. Without having to explain anything, we knew the emotions that were running through us all.

That morning with the kids wasn’t so bad. We spent time with them outside as usual. We pretty much did the same activities that we had done over the last few days with the addition of the limbo, some dodgeball, and the older girls even taught us a jump rope game. The kids were all very good, but we crazy Americans struggled a lot! It was still fun, though!

"Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this!"

Lucy and Melissa enjoying the time they have together

"If you leave, can I keep the kazoo?"

The government says she's too old, but I adopted her anyway. She's mine forever now!

"Can you hear me now?!"

Our hearts are full of Love for them; their hearts are full of joy!

Dawn and her boy --
Holding onto the moment forever!

We taught the kids the Macarena and the Hokey Pokey!

They made this jump rope game look so easy!

That afternoon, I had a few entertaining moments spent with Liu. I probably burned about 1000 calories just laughing at him. At one point he wanted me to sing for him. I hesitated at first because I normally don’t sing to anyone over the age of three. But I made an exception for him and sang “This Little Light of Mine” – the first song that popped into my head. I was almost laughing through the whole song, but when I was finished, he looked at me and simply said, “Okay.” Later on, he was hanging onto me and was feeling my arm. He wanted me to flex for him, and again, I hesitated. I was a little nervous about what he was going to say, but after I did it, he smiled and said, “Okay.” I laughed even harder and was so glad that this 11-year-old Chinese boy approved of my “strength.” Ha ha! It didn’t take much for these kids to make me smile, laugh or cry. They were always touching my heart! And I adored them all!

We did more crafts with the kids – making necklaces and bracelets, and gluing together frames for them to put their individual pictures in. John and Allison brought a Polaroid camera so the kids could have immediate pictures. Everyone, nannies included, had a blast getting their pictures taken. It was like the greatest invention ever to them!

Making the beaded necklaces

When all the film ran out, which took only a few minutes, we had our one last singing time together. We all started out all right, but some of the older kids started crying because they knew what was coming. I tried so hard not to cry in front of the kids and I kept praying for emotional strength. But once I saw Lucy sobbing with Melissa and tears on Lindy’s face, I totally lost it. I didn’t want Lindy to see me crying so with my arms still wrapped around her, I turned my head away, but that didn’t help at all. I came face to face with Liu. He just buried his face on my shoulder and held on so tightly to me. I thought he was going to suffocate because he was crying so hard. (At that point I was wishing I had at least four arms so I could fully embrace both Lindy and Liu. But so long as I’d be wishing for things, my greatest wish would have been that we didn’t have to leave.) As Dawn continued to lead the songs, I tried singing some with them, but it was useless and I eventually lost the fight with my tears.

The kids were singing a song on Romans 8:28 about God working all things together for good. I looked at the children’s faces and wondered to myself if He really did. I kept telling God I couldn’t say goodbye as I sat and cried with the kids. I silently asked Him where He was and why things had to be the way there were. For a brief moment, I became rather upset with God. I felt like He didn’t care about the kids as much as I did. I told Him to look around the room and asked if He could see the kids drowning in so much pain. I guess that was a perfect example of my own sinful flesh taking control. At a time like that, it was easy for me to forget the truths God talks about in the Word.

Goodbye - the saddest word ever...

... it's universal too!

When I was crying with Lindy and Liu, this little guy kept staring at me. He tried to make me feel better by gathering up some items in the room and giving them to me. I think I received a Frisbee, a pen, a piece of paper, and several stuffed animals. With each gift I collected from him, I managed to smile and say “thank you” in Chinese. Isn’t he precious?

You? Leaving me?

Please don't go!

Before we left, the orphanage directors gave each of us a beautiful Chinese gift and we gave them their gifts. Thanks to Melissa, 50 Build-A-Bears had been donated so we also gave the children a teddy bear of their very own. We hoped it would bring them comfort when we left.

During our final moments with the children, I kept shaking my head at my team – basically telling them that I couldn’t let go of the kids. I wasn’t ready. But I don’t know if I ever would have been ready to say goodbye to them. They had their fingers imprinted on my heart over the last four days and I couldn’t leave them. As I tried comforting Lindy and Liu, I repeatedly told them “I love you” in Chinese and in English. I prayed for them, this time asking God to give them a loving home and family. I kept holding them as I watched everyone else give their last hugs and kisses to all the kids. It was unbearable. My heart felt like it was being put through a paper shredder as I thought of ridiculous ways I could get out of saying goodbye.

After I reluctantly walked onto the bus, I fell apart. I opened up a window to say my final goodbye to the children. When I waved my arm outside the window, Lindy and Liu came running to me and held onto my hand once more. As the bus drove away we were forced to let go of each other, and though I'm not a mother yet, at that moment, I felt as if my own children had been ripped away from my arms. It was by far the hardest goodbye I have ever had to say.

I've had plenty of hard moments in my life, but this one is the winner!

Seriously, how could anyone leave them?!

On our way back to the hotel, I felt so numb. I stared out the window and was hoping to see some Chinese clown out on the streets to make me laugh again, but there wasn’t any. I just continued to cry. Then Dawn comforted me by reminding me of Jeremiah 29:11. God has plans for these children – plans to give them hope and a future. Even though I can’t see what they are and the reasons for why He has them all in this orphanage, it doesn’t stop His Word from being true.

That night, some of us splurged on chocolate and other junk food to make us feel better, or to at least stop our tears. Then because we’re both Disney fanatics, Sarah and I watched Enchanted and hoped that would give us some comic relief. But my heart and mind were completely disconnected from each other and if I was able to distract my mind, my heart wasn’t going to take it. I still was in a total state of despair and felt helpless for the children. Even singing the Happy Working Song didn't help so much. Though I was so exhausted and emotionally drained from that day, I had trouble sleeping because thoughts of the children consumed my mind.

Who said Oreos are bad for you?

Broken Beauty (Day Three)

The next day was our fun little fieldtrip! Yahoo! Now, this may not come as quite a surprise to you, but I wasn’t really paying close attention to where we were going. Hmmm, imagine that! T wasn’t listening to the educational stuff. Shocking, I know! But in my defense, it was hard to hear when some kids were goofing off around me. Not only that, but everyone knows that my auditory memory span is like 2.5 seconds. Ha ha! Anyway, I was with all the wonderful kids, my fabulous team and my exceptionally amazing God in China. I was in a perfect place, so it didn’t matter to me where we went, so long as we stayed within the Chinese borders.

So our team took a voyage with the kids, the nannies and directors on an hour and a half bus ride for a picnic – a special treat for the kids… and for us. The place was so great! It had a long stretch of grassy area, a nice little park with a lake nearby and a garden full of flowers on the other side. It was so beautiful! We set up some tents on the grass and the kids were able to be free and play around. They loved swinging, skipping rocks on the water, and looking for fish. I stayed away when they were handling the fish, but really enjoyed watching them have such a good time!

Allison and Mei Mei swinging together

Sweet Mommy Moments!

Picture perfect!
Sarah, Pat, Betty, Allison, Tooda, and Lindy

We all ate McDonald’s for lunch, and the nannies shared some special Chinese treats. They also brought more cherries and watermelon for everyone to have. It was definitely a wonderful day because we celebrated two significant occasions. One was a birthday for all the kids and the other was a wedding ceremony! Bob and Pat celebrated their 39th anniversary in China and Bob surprised Pat by renewing their wedding vows on this particular day. How incredible! It was a perfect time and place to do it, and the young wedding guests sure enjoyed watching! There was cake, lots of small beach balls, one big beach ball, Frisbees, bubbles, water tattoos, and balloons! It was a great party! God even sent a little rain our way then let the sun come out after awhile. The day would not have been complete, however, without having a frosting fight or a water fight! The kids attacked each other with their frosted hands and then got soaking wet as they played in the water. We all watched and laughed as the orphanage director started it all! It touched my heart to see them running around with huge smiles on their faces as this was a rare occasion for them.

Beautiful Creation of God!

God's greater creations!

"Livin' on Love..."

Lindy and Betty pose for a picture!

He really enjoyed the watermelon!

Mr. Shao - the biggest kid of all!

In beautiful China with beautiful kids!

Dawn is showing her little boy how to blow up a balloon.
It took all the air out of him.

Wo ai ni!

Our beautiful guide, Maggie!

Even the nannies got attacked!

This is as messy as we got!

F-U-N!

When we all got onto the bus to head back to the orphanage, we gave the children each a goodie bag because what’s a party without presents? I sat next to Lindy and watched her open her gifts. The look on her face was priceless. She was so excited to pull everything out of her bag, even if she had no idea what some things were. She was so cute! Every time she pulled out one piece of candy, she made sure there were two, gave me one, and wanted both of us to eat our piece at the same time. So sweet! When she finished searching through her bag, she told me she was tired so I put my arm around her, and she snuggled close to me and quickly fell asleep. It was a long day for the kids and they were all tired! Most of them slept on the ride back. I held Lindy the whole way as she slept in my arms.

Every time the bus stopped, she woke up for a couple seconds, looked up as if she wanted to make sure I was still there, and then she’d hold onto me a little tighter and fall back asleep. The more I felt her cling to me, the more closely I hugged her. I stroked her face and kissed her, trying to hide the pain I felt for her. My heart was completely broken as I held her close to me, but that moment was so precious. I was crying to God, asking Him to never let it end. I wanted to hold her forever. Although she is the same age as my little sister – just seven years younger than me – I didn’t feel like she was my sister, but I felt like she was my daughter. It may sound a little silly, but it’s a feeling I never had before and can’t describe, although I’m sure all mothers can understand.

Eating sweettarts here!

When we got back to the orphanage I held Lindy’s hand and walked upstairs with her. She went to get a jacket to put over her wet clothes and although my team was ready to go, I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye to her. Apparently she didn’t want me to leave without saying goodbye either because I waited for her downstairs, and she ran to give me one last hug for the day. I told her (in Chinese) that I’d see her the next day. I held back tears as I said it since I knew it was the last time I would be able to tell her that. My heart was already breaking because I didn’t want the next day to come.

On our way to the hotel, thoughts of Lindy flooded my mind. I remembered watching her sleep on the bus. She looked so peaceful, but I kept thinking that her life was not as simple as it appeared at that moment. I thought about who is ever with her when she is tired and just wants someone to hold her, who is there to comfort her during painful times and dry her tears, who is there to protect her when she finds herself in a dangerous situation, who is there to share in her joy and excitement, who is there to calm her down when she's afraid, and who's there to tell her everything is going to be okay when it all seems hopeless. She and her other orphan siblings live in a broken world, one that many of us have never known. Yet, the beauty of their hearts is so captivating and contagious that I know the answer to all those questions has to be God.